NiNi-Blog: 01/08/2006 - 01/15/2006: Dreaming it, living it, blogging it.

Is it just me, or does 2006 already feel like it's flying by?

It doesn't help that I'm spending yet another early year working fast and furiously during what has become my own personal hell: Awards Season. Ugh. I used to live for the Golden Globes, Oscars and all of the other awards that come flying out of New Year's bunghole, but now I just do what I can to survive it, and gag the entire way.

I do still love the Independent Spirit, Screen Actor's Guild, Sudance and AFI Awards, but I have come to despise mainstream "pop culture masturbation" awards with every fiber of my being. The only thing I really enjoy about any of 'em these days is the oggling of the fashion. That's about it.

I have grown so profoundly disillusioned by the "system" that is Hollywood over this past year in particular, it's sometimes overwhelming. It's like wanting a career in politics your whole life, and then finally making it into the White House. Would you want to stay in politics once you figured out how things work in the White House? Not bloody likely.

I still want to someday wind up acting in films, and mark my words, I will. But I've definitely arrived at the conclusion that for me, it's better to sneak in through the back door. -For me. I'm not criticizing anyone who has chosen to "work the system," I'm just saying that the front way in is not for me. If anything, I greatly admire people who have figured out how to work that "system," and have figured out how to gain anything from it. I don't know how they do it...I don't know how they sustain it. It's really quite awesome to watch them year after year remain so brightly lit in pop culture's spotlight. I personally don't know how they do it...but when the system finally finds its day to spit them out, I do feel badly for them. And when that rare specimen survives the system for years and years, it's really pretty amazing.

G and I both agree that the band is our way through the back door into filmmaking. - Much like Rob Zombie, we're really hoping that ultimately, this music career path is going to help simultaneously pave our filmmaking path. I can hardly wait to start working on our music videos! Just that teeny, tiny little teaser trailer we made for our upcoming CD really got me stoked for the day when we're ready to start making full music videos. Many filmmakers and actors get their start from music videos...it's empowering to know that we'll be starting off on our own music videos.

Anyway, I've been knee-deep in research for marketing and selling and licensing our music for the past six months, and I've found it even more astounding how corrupt and horrible "the industry" is. -Not just in the Hollywood "system" but in the music industry as well. As an outsider looking in, you have some inkling of it, sure. But damn, once you start doing all of the research? It's no wonder why I've become so disillusioned. And my taste for mainstream bands wanes more and more with every bit of research that I do. It's mind-boggling what studios do to them. It's disappointing that artists would actually allow it.

But I do refuse to get bitter about it. Bitterness is no good. I'm thankful that I'm realistic, and that stars in my eyes won't make me agree to some awful "sell my soul" contract or other career-ending stupidity. The stars are officially gone. So...let's see, what replaced the stars in my eyes? Hm...I'd say...these: ? ? ? ? Question Everything. Wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove. That's all that's necessary...oh, and a good lawyer, too.

The good news is, thanks to the Internet, Digital Music and musicians who learned the hard way what it's like to get *cornholed by huge record labels, the Independent Underground in music isn't only alive and well, it's actually becoming wildly profitable. [WOW, that was a long sentence]! We have a lot of work ahead, but we're definitely moving forward 110%. It's going to be an exciting year! And I'm gonna keep sharing it here - successes, loss, gains and setbacks, I'll be sharing it without any filters right here.

I had the whole "should I take down my blog" thoughts again recently, and again, the decision to stay and to keep sharing won over being so tired and disillusioned.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to last at my job, though. Each day, the fantasy to just pack up my shit and leave without considering the consequences grows stronger and stronger, and that scares me. I really can't do it, but I'm reaching that almost dangerous "disconnect" inside myself where I just don't care. *sigh* I think this will be the year when I can finally find something else to work in, though. At this point, getting totally out of TV altogether isn't far off. Hell, if Corvo brought in even a modest amount of regular income, I'd work part-time at a craft store or coffee shop or something. I'm really [literally] to that point.

Thank the Gods that G is happy in his job! I mean, his department fucking rocks, and they absolutely adore him. It's a great job to be in for him, too. I'd rather he be happy in his job than me. And I'm constantly grateful that the penduluum swung back to a happy, healthy and stable place in his career. As you all know, he went through way too much [undeserved] pain over the past few years. So every day that I see him happy in his job, it does dull my misery a ton! *Whew*

I am home sick today. I'm over my migraine now, but my guts are hurting a lot. At least I have sick time again...it's one of the few things that makes me stay and not live that fantasy of quietly packing up and leaving. I'm very thankful to have a job. Especially one with benefits...but the grace has ended. The time has come to make a change, and I've got to figure out very soon what exactly those changes will be. Anyone got about $6000 "severance" pay to give me? Hee hee!

M O O D:

i n t r o s p e c t i v e

*Isn't the term "cornholed" almost better than "fuck?" I think so. "You fucking cornhole!" "Why don't you go get cornholed?" "Stick that up your cornhole." "You smell like a cornhole!" It's just so sublimely disgusting.